Here I will share with you the conflict among four females who shared a small
two-bedroom flat during summer vacation. All of them worked as fulltime interns
in three months of the vacation. Therefore, they met each other only at night and
went out together at weekends. They have known each other before living together,
but not all of them are close friends.
Let’s call them A, B, C and D. Their relationships are quite complicated.
B and C are close friends. Due to many similarities they share, those two tend
to have same opinions about a lot of issues. Moreover, they know each other
quite well, particularly about the other’s habits and daily routines since they
had lived together before. Both of them are friends with D.
D had been friend with A. It was her who introduced A to the other two. B,
C and D are the same age while A is one year younger than the rest.
Before living together, they have never had conflicts or
misunderstandings. However, the conflict started when B did comment on A’s
behaviors which unpleasantly affect the rest. For example, A often left her utensils
dirty and sometimes others’ also, after using.
B is a caring and sweet girl. As she thought they were like sisters, she
talked to A face-to-face about how A’s behaviors did influence on others. However,
it made A feel embarrassing and annoying, which she expressed on her face. She
told B directly that B did not need to tell her what to do. Those two started
quarreling as B considered A’s action and attitude were unacceptable. In fact,
both C and D agreed with B. However, since D was the one who had known A before
the other two, she was afraid of expressing her disagreement. The quarrel then led
to a cold war.
Now the question is what should each person involved do in order to
resolve the conflict and improve their relationships as they still have to stay
together?
Hi Jung! I think B did the right thing, to confront A. If there is something you’re not satisfy with, you should definitely go and explain it for the person. A did not take that so well. If she really disagrees, then she should have told B that, otherwise she should just accept B’s statement, and try to correct her mistakes. C and D’s behavior is not so relevant for the conflict; they expressed their feelings but shouldn’t get into the conflict, if they didn’t really disagree. The fact that D was the one that introduce A to the rest is also not relevant for the conflict. They all live together, and should sort their problems out like adults. Friends can still argue and tell their opinions in front of each other.
ReplyDeleteThanks Johanna! I agreed that they should sort their problems out like adults. The thing is A took it too serious I think. And also, B seemed to misunderstand that she and A were closed, which in fact might not be the case.
DeleteHi Jung,
ReplyDeleteGreetings from Heather and Jae!
In general, you provided a good scenario of interpersonal conflicts. However, we found that this story is too complicated to be presented solely by words. It is advisable that you include a diagram clarifying relationships among A, B, C, and D.
It is obvious that A is at the wrong side. However, it is imperial to bring up the issue in such a skillful way that A would not feel being bullied or intimidated by the other three.
Therefore, to resolve this conflict, four of you should find a time to sit together and discuss about rules and regulations for living together. You might want to come up with a duty plan in which everyone is assigned to do house chore equally. In this way, A has no choice but to follow the flow and the others need not to remind her of the housework anymore.This also means that you guys can get the work done without compromising each other's perspectives.
We hope that our comment helps.
Below are some trivial grammatical errors:
1. All of them worked as fulltime interns in three months of the vacation. >> full-time
2. A often left her utensils dirty and sometimes others’ also, after using. >> after having used them.
3. However, it made A feel embarrassing and annoying >> A feel embarrassed and annoyed.
4. should each person involved do in order to resolve the conflict and improve their relationships >> and to improve their relationships
Thanks a lot girls :D
DeleteI love the idea of rules and regulations for living together! It's important to have some rules since even if we are closed friends, living together is a different story. will take note that idea since I will have to share a flat with others in the near future :)
Thank you, Jung, for your work in making this fairly clear and concise post. Aside from the slight confusion I feel in reading names such as A, B, C and D, I think your scenario is well described. Dare I say that this might be rather typical when a group of friends and associate share a flat? A bit of a "soap opera," to use the American TV term. For that reason it is highly relevant.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you boil the issue down to the very specific question at the end. I'd like to see even more feedback, but at least you've gotten some attention.
Thanks for your effort!
Thank you Brad. It's typical when a groups of friends share a flat. However, I think the cultural element involved also. Since all the people involved in this situation are Vietnamese, it's considered as unacceptable for the younger (A) to behave like this, especially with the older (B). Also, D who introduced A to the group felt uneasy because although she disagreed with A's behaviors, she didnt want to join B's side (which already had C).
DeleteOh God now even I myself found it confusing with ABCD :( Sorry for that :(
Hi Jung,
ReplyDeleteThis was indeed a very clear and concise post! Very easy to understand!
The situation you pointed out is a very common one indeed. I think the only way to sort out such issues is to respect each other's place and views in the house. 'Interdependence' is the fundamental skills that needs to be highlighted here. This is basically, the recognition of an individual's place in the house, and the awareness of how every decision of yours can affect the overall environment. It is important to take into account the short & long term consequences of our actions.
I think that B was right in confronting A, even though A might have over-reacted. B's actions showed her noble intentions. In this scenario she looked for the greater good rather than short term or selfish benefits.
All in all, communication between them, right from the start could have avoided the situation that arose. It is always better to say what's inside rather than let it build over time.